I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
