I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
