I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
