and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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