oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have feelings that need drinking.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
