My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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