So drunk its hurt
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
