Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
