Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
