Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
