I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just threw up on my dentist
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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