You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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