We're facebook friends in real life
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
