please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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