hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
