He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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