eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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