When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
