Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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