Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
