I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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