i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
