i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
3 2 1 whiskey
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
