My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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