I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
