she was so not down for the gang bang
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
