Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
