I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
