we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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