Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I pour the whiskey from now on
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
