Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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