i'm signing you up for texting rehab
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
