I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
