if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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