for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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