Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
