a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
