Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
