You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
