Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
