so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
