So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
