I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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