ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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