yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
