you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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