My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
