Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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