You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
