He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
