I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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