I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
