Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
