maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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