Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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