I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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