return my video game
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
