sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
