Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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