There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
