there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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