i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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