someone get that fucking seahorse.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
