I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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