i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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