Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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