i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
