Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
